


like some spooky blood covered jack in the box in an old timey haunted toystore

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Earth C (Homestuck), M/M, The Homestuck Epilogues, The Homestuck Epilogues: Meat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:46:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21610021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave and Karkat talk after an assassination attempt.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 14
Kudos: 162





	like some spooky blood covered jack in the box in an old timey haunted toystore

DAVE: oh my god karkat are you okay youre not hurt are you  
DAVE: jesus that was nuts  
KARKAT: I’M FINE, DAVE! I’M FINE!  
DAVE: you sure??  
KARKAT: YES! STOP FUSSING WITH ME! JUST LAY OFF!!  
DAVE: whoa what the hell man  
DAVE: whats wrong  
KARKAT: WHAT’S WRONG? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING ME THAT??  
DAVE: shit what am i talkin about you just almost got shot  
DAVE: fuck im sorry  
DAVE: its okay its over im here now  
KARKAT: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, DAVE, STOP TRYING TO COMFORT ME!  
KARKAT: YES, I ALMOST GOT SHOT.  
KARKAT: CAN YOU THINK OF *ANYTHING ELSE* THAT ALMOST JUST HAPPENED?  
DAVE: ...we almost lost our main endorsement?  
KARKAT: OH I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. THIS IS FUCKING STUPENDOUS.  
KARKAT: *YOU* ALMOST GOT SHOT, YOU STUPID DERANGED FUCKRAG!!  
DAVE: oh yeah sure, but its cool man im not gonna get hurt  
DAVE: im immortal remember?  
DAVE: i know i dont have the asshole jammies anymore, but god tier definitely still works okay you can trust me on that one  
DAVE: i...  
DAVE: boy i wasnt gonna tell you this cause i knew you wouldnt like it but desperate times i guess  
DAVE: i... kinda fell off the roof of our hive last year  
DAVE: you know i like to go up there sometimes an catch some rays cause we got the house on such firm sun lockdown  
DAVE: well i MAY have fallen asleep up there and rolled off and uh you know died a lil bit  
DAVE: it was stupid i know BUT hey it all worked out in the end, cause it definitely means the whole back to life deal is still in full effect  
DAVE: just popped right the fuck back up like some spooky blood covered jack in the box in an old timey haunted toystore  
DAVE: you dont gotta worry about me  
KARKAT: OH FUUUCK YOU STRIDER!  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU FROM HERE TO SUNDAY!!  
DAVE: shit im sorry man this is exacty why i didnt tell you  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT, DAVE! YOU CAN FALL OFF THE ROOF ALL FUCKING DAY FOR ALL I CARE! EVERYBODY NEEDS A FUCKING HOBBY! MAYBE CASUAL DUMBASS SUICIDE IS YOUR CALLING!  
DAVE: uhh  
KARKAT: DO YOU SERIOUSLY NOT GET THIS, DAVE? DID YOU ACTUALLY GET SHOT? IS THERE A BULLET LODGED IN YOUR FRONTAL LOBE IMPAIRING YOUR THOUGHT PROCESSES EVEN MORE THAN USUAL???  
KARKAT: NO, THAT CAN’T BE RIGHT BECAUSE YOU DECIDED TO PLAY FUCKING BODYGUARD BEFORE WE EVEN KNEW ABOUT THE SNIPER. SO IT MUST BE A PREVIOUS HEAD INJURY. HAVE YOU BEEN SHOVING CHOPSTICKS UP YOUR NOSE? SLAMMING YOUR FACE IN CAR DOORS? MAYBE THAT FALL OFF THE ROOF DID PERMANENT DAMAGE! BECAUSE THAT IS LITERALLY ALL I CAN COME UP WITH TO EXPLAIN HOW FUCKING STUPID YOU JUST WERE!!  
DAVE: karkat im sorry im so lost here you gotta throw me a bone  
KARKAT: YOU WANT A BONE, YOU WALKING SHITSTAIN? OKAY HERE’S ONE: YOU’RE NOT FUCKING IMMORTAL IF YOU DIE A HERO!!  
DAVE: ...oh snap  
KARKAT: OH SNAP? *OH SNAP??* THAT’S SERIOUSLY ALL YOU GOT, STRIDER???  
KARKAT: JUST THINK ABOUT IT! THINK ABOUT IT FOR APPARENTLY THE FIRST FUCKING TIME TODAY!  
KARKAT: OR POSSIBLY FOR THE FIRST TIME AT ALL SINCE WE STARTED DOING THESE IDIOTIC PUBLIC APPEARANCES, ANY ONE OF WHICH COULD’VE BEEN TARGETED BY AN ASSASSIN, A THOUGHT WHICH BY THE WAY DEFIES THE LAWS OF PHYSICS BY MAKING MY BLOOD FUCKING FREEZE AND BOIL AT THE SAME TIME!  
KARKAT: LET’S SAY A SNIPER SHOOTS BOTH YOU AND JAKE. WHO DO YOU THINK IS GONNA DIE A HEROIC DEATH?  
KARKAT: IS IT THE PRANCING HALF WIT WHO’S JUST OUT FOR A LITTLE FRESH AIR AND A QUICK ROUND OF DOING WHATEVER THE FUCK THE LAST TWO PEOPLE HE TALKED TO TOLD HIM TO DO?  
JAKE: I say karkat im not trying to drop any eaves here.  
JAKE: But sometimes a man just cant help but hear when his name comes up and i really feel i should-  
KARKAT: JAKE IF YOU DON’T BUTT OUT I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL RIP YOUR INTESTINES FROM YOUR BODY AND WRAP THEM AROUND YOUR NECK AND SWING YOU LIKE I’M DOING A MAJESTIC HAMMER TOSS AND I WILL USE YOUR CORPSE TO FLATTEN WHICHEVER ONE OF YOUR FANS HAS THE MOST LIKENESSES OF YOUR SUMPTUOUS ASS ON THEIR PERSON. THIS KIND OF THING WAS A COMMON OCCURENCE ON MY PLANET DON’T YOU DARE THINK I WON’T DO IT.  
DAVE: yeah could you give us a minute jake  
JAKE: ...  
JAKE: Ill just go check on the crowd.  
KARKAT: THANK YOU JAKE.  
DAVE: yeah thanks buddy  
KARKAT: SO *ANYWAY!* LET’S JUST SAY YOU BOTH GET SHOT. WHO’S DYING A HERO? IS IT *THAT* LITTLE BUNDLE OF JOY? OR IS IT *THE GUY WHO TOOK A BULLET FOR HIM BECAUSE HE KNOWS HIS BEING ABLE TO SPEAK IS THE KEY TO STOPPING A LITERAL GLOBAL GENOCIDE?* HM?? CARE TO TAKE A GUESS??  
DAVE: oh my god  
KARKAT: *THERE* IT FUCKING IS!  
DAVE: oh my GOD   
DAVE: i dont know why i didnt think of that i just  
DAVE: i guess i just went into fuckin hero mode or somethin shit maybe that shoulda been my first clue huh  
DAVE: wow i really coulda died just now  
DAVE: ...fuck  
KARKAT: OH NOW WE’RE UP TO “FUCK” ARE WE? WE’RE MOVING IN LEAPS AND BOUNDS FROM THE DAYS OF “OH SNAP!” THOSE “OH SNAP” DAYS ARE LONG BEHIND US, LOST TO AN IGNORANT AND SIMPLER PAST. “FUCK” IS YOUR CURRENT ASSESSMENT OF THE SITUATION. THE ASSESSMENT OF A CAPABLE AND THOUGHTFUL ADULT WHO IS FIRMLY SITUATED IN REALITY.  
KARKAT: CONGRATULATIONS, DAVE! TODAY YOU HAVE BECOME A MAN, BY FINALLY GAINING COGNIZANCE OF AN EXTREMELY BASIC AND FUNDAMENTAL LAW GOVERNING YOUR OWN EXISTENCE! MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE A PARTY. WE’LL FUCKING TIE IT IN WITH MY PRESIDENTAL VICTORY BASH, THAT IS IF WE BOTH MANAGE TO SURVIVE THAT LONG!  
DAVE: okay look i get it  
DAVE: and ill be the first to admit i dropped the ball on that one  
DAVE: but thats my own problem  
DAVE: i get my head blown off cause im an idiot, thats on me and my idiot head  
DAVE: but why are you so pissed off?  
DAVE: i mighta lost track of my own shit but i sure as hell didnt forget about you  
DAVE: i fuckin saved you dude  
DAVE: and if you think i havent been super hyper diligent this whole time about protecting your little non-immortal self, you are way off the mark bud  
KARKAT: OH YEAH YOU SAVED ME!  
KARKAT: THANK YOU, KNIGHT STRIDER! LET’S SET ASIDE THE STUPID CONTRADICTORY FACT THAT I’M ALSO A KNIGHT BECAUSE NO ONE EVER SEEMS TO REMEMBER THAT ANYWAY, AND JUST BASK IN THE GLOW OF YOUR SELFLESS PROTECTION OF LITTLE OLD ME!  
KARKAT: THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME, DAVE!  
KARKAT: THAT’S WHAT YOU WANNA HEAR, RIGHT?  
KARKAT: YOU DID SUCH A GOOD JOB!  
KARKAT: DAVE STRIDER IS A GLEAMING PARAGON OF ALTRUISM! LET THAT SENTENCE WASH OVER YOU! I BET YOU JUST LOVE IT.  
KARKAT: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? NEXT TIME YOU GO TO SAVE ME, DON’T EVEN FUCKING BOTHER!! NOT IF YOU’RE JUST GONNA GET YOURSELF KILLED AND THROW AWAY THE *ONLY FUCKING THING THAT MATTERS TO ME AND MAKES MY LIFE WORTHWHILE!!!!*  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: uh  
KARKAT: FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!  
DAVE: karkat i  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: i feel like you just said about five different things that i should really probably respond to  
DAVE: but im uh  
DAVE: im not all that confident about where to start  
KARKAT: OH JUST FUCKING GO FOR ONE DAVE! YOU WERE ALL ABOUT MAKING SPONTANEOUS SNAP DECISIONS FIVE MINUTES AGO! I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOUR THING! WHY DON’T YOU JUST DIVE HEADLONG INTO WHATEVER SHALLOW POND YOU SEE FIT AND SEE HOW IT FUCKING WORKS OUT FOR YOU!  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: uh...  
DAVE: well i guess ill start with im sorry  
DAVE: im really sorry that i uh  
DAVE: didnt think about how much i was putting myself at risk  
DAVE: i really didnt plan that shit through, and im sorry you were worried about me  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: and  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: ...youre welc...  
KARKAT: |:B  
DAVE: nope nope nevermind  
DAVE: not goin near that one that does not need to be said ever  
DAVE: just... never bringin that one up again  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: oh fuck  
DAVE: look i know i said there were five things but now that im actually goin through them i can really only come up with three and i just got through the first two   
DAVE: so that leaves  
DAVE: uh  
KARKAT: IT’S FINE DAVE, WE DON’T HAVE TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT! THIS IS CLEARLY TORTURE FOR YOU, SO CAN WE PLEASE JUST FORGET I SAID ANYTHING AND MOVE ON WITH THIS SPEECH AND THEN MOVE ON WITH OUR GODDAMN LIVES?  
DAVE: no hey look  
DAVE: i wanna talk about it  
DAVE: i just... i didnt realize  
DAVE: or no  
DAVE: thats not right  
DAVE: i guess i didnt think you...  
DAVE: um  
KARKAT: OH *FUCK THIS!* I’LL SEE YOU AFTER THE SPEECH!  
DAVE: karkat hey seriously stop  
DAVE: im just havin trouble getting this out is all  
DAVE: honestly im a lil jealous of you all gettin to blurt out your feelings in a passionate fit of rage  
KARKAT: !!  
DAVE: sorry i dont really mean that  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: whew here we fuckin go i guess just divin right in oh boy okay  
DAVE: ...when i knew there was something wrong back there  
DAVE: the first thing i thought of was you  
DAVE: and not just because youre the candidate and if some maniacs after somebody chances are its gonna be the man of the hour  
DAVE: it was because i was so scared of losing you okay?  
DAVE: all i could think about was how easy itd be for you to get killed  
DAVE: this horrible panicky despair just filled my whole body, it was like this blind hopeless fear  
DAVE: so i got you the fuck outta there  
DAVE: and youre right, i didnt think about my own weird ass conditional mortality  
DAVE: but if i had to come up with a reason for that particular lapse i think itd be because i was so uh...  
DAVE: fixated on yours  
DAVE: like i was just so hyper aware of how easy itd be to lose you  
DAVE: i guess it totally slipped my mind how you could also lose me  
DAVE: im not sayin thats an excuse or anything  
DAVE: i still fucked up  
DAVE: like i coulda just hung out with you under the stage and let jake dance til he got his ass shot  
DAVE: then let him wake the fuck back up and dance himself silly some more  
DAVE: just allow that ridiculous process to repeat ad nauseum til the sniper ran outta bullets or fell over dead from boredom  
DAVE: as bonkers as that sounds it probably woulda been the most responsible course of action  
DAVE: and im sorry i didnt do that  
DAVE: but i absolutely didnt do it to hurt you  
DAVE: and i didnt do it because i wasnt thinking about you  
DAVE: i think i did it cause i was thinking about you TOO much if that makes sense  
DAVE: and also because im just a little bit of an idiot sometimes we should definitely not discount that fact ever  
DAVE: look i dont know if you actually meant it or you just said it cause you were pissed off  
DAVE: but on the off chance that you did mean it uh  
DAVE: i guess i didnt realize you think im the only thing that matters and makes your life worthwhile  
DAVE: ...thats what you meant right?  
DAVE: you were talking about me?  
DAVE: yeah okay wow  
DAVE: if im being honest i think that might be a big exaggeration on your part like youve got so many people who respect you and this cause that you care about so much and seriously just on your own i think youre an extremely worthwhile person  
DAVE: but uh  
DAVE: i think you might ACTUALLY be that for me  
DAVE: like nobodys ever mattered to me the way you do thats just a basic fact theres no need to overly examine that  
DAVE: but as far as the other part of that particular sentence, the whole “worthwhile” part  
DAVE: if... if i didnt have you i seriously dont know what id be  
DAVE: actually you know what scratch that i got a pretty good idea  
DAVE: i think id still be some coolkid poser in denial about pretty much every single aspect of his life, mistaking emotional aloofness for irony and irony for coolness and coolness for the only important thing ever  
DAVE: id be the biggest asshat around  
DAVE: except instead of bein some idiot kid like when i met you, id be a sadsack of a grown man whos got no business still acting or thinking that way  
DAVE: so yeah  
DAVE: in some very specific and huge ways you have made my life worthwhile and shaped me into what i kinda like to think is an all around better person  
DAVE: and you still do every day  
DAVE: i... think you might be the very best thing that ever happened to me  
DAVE: ... yes you know what you definitely are no question  
DAVE: and i almost-  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: cmere dude  
DAVE: <3  
KARKAT: ...<3  
JAKE: Sorry you boys know i love a good smooch sesh as much as the next chap but the crowd is really starting to ge-  
DAVE: CHRIST ON A CRACKER JAKE WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!!  
KARKAT: HOLY FUCKING SHIT JAKE HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK THIS IS A GOOD TIME???  
JAKE: Right.  
JAKE: Um.  
JAKE: Ill just go stall them some more shall i?  
JAKE: Yep thats what ill do...  
KARKAT: HEH.  
DAVE: hahaha fuckin jake...  
KARKAT: OKAY, I WILL GIVE YOU THIS MUCH. THE GUY GIVES OFF SOME VERY STRONG VIBES OF NEEDING TO BE PROTECTED.  
DAVE: i know right??  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: hey  
KARKAT: HEY.  
DAVE: do you... um... do you still want to be president?  
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?  
DAVE: i mean its dangerous as hell thats what i mean  
DAVE: like take a look around there are literally snipers on the roofs!  
DAVE: is this gonna be the only assassination attempt?  
DAVE: i have no fuckin clue  
DAVE: but i do know for a fact that from now on in my head its not gonna be  
DAVE: im gonna be worryin my pants dirty every single day from now on  
DAVE: especially since i think we maybe just decided that were worrying about each other in a more uh...  
DAVE: official capacity?  
DAVE: ...right?  
KARKAT: YEAH, I THINK WE DID.  
DAVE: okay cool thought so just checkin :)  
DAVE: so um  
DAVE: i donno... i know theres a lot on the line with this election, especially for you and all the other trolls, so if you wanna keep goin we should, but-  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD OF COURSE I DON’T WANT TO KEEP GOING!  
DAVE: wow uh, really?  
KARKAT: DAVE, I DON’T THINK I’M EXAGGERATING WHEN I SAY I HAVE TOLD YOU MULTIPLE TIMES PER DAY, EVERY SINGLE DAY SINCE WE STARTED THIS WHOLE GODFORSAKEN CAMPAIGN, THAT I DIDN’T WANT TO DO IT.  
DAVE: i know but  
DAVE: dude to be fair you make the same amount of fuss about ordering dinner or just watchin tv  
DAVE: youre a complainy kinda guy  
DAVE: i mean thats fine, thats your thing and i love it about you  
KARKAT: !!!  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: haha yeah what the fuck you know what, i love that about you  
DAVE: suck on that, tryna make me feel bad for sayin that  
DAVE: im allowed to now  
DAVE: there are a lotta things i love about you karkat  
DAVE: and you know what fuck it i love *you!*  
KARKAT: !!!!!  
DAVE: yeah thats right  
DAVE: so uh...  
DAVE: so  
DAVE: ...there  
DAVE: boy that started strong but ended kinda lame huh  
KARKAT: DAVE...  
DAVE: ...yeah?  
KARKAT: I DON’T WANT TO BE PRESIDENT.  
DAVE: !  
KARKAT: ALSO I LOVE YOU TOO.  
DAVE: :)  
DAVE: oh thats really great yeah thats cool  
DAVE: just all of it  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: do you wanna get outta here?  
KARKAT: YEAH, I DO.  
DAVE: okay uh  
DAVE: hey jake  
DAVE: jake buddy, were leavin  
KARKAT: HE CAN’T HEAR YOU.  
DAVE: yeah hes just dancin away up there  
DAVE: ...god its mesmerizing  
KARKAT: I KNOW.  
DAVE: its like poetry  
KARKAT: IT IS.  
DAVE: eh whatever  
DAVE: hell figure it out  
DAVE: maybe everyonell forget why they came and thisll just turn into a nice lil all night jake english dance recital slash rave  
DAVE: also known as just like a regular tuesday  
DAVE: or hey maybe hell endorse you anyway and well win the election without ever havin to leave our hive that could be nice  
KARKAT: HUH!  
KARKAT: THAT DEFINITELY SOUNDS BETTER, BUT I DON’T KNOW IF I WANT THAT EITHER...  
DAVE: eh if it comes to it you can just resign  
DAVE: might be nice to stick it to jane tho  
KARKAT: OH GOD IT WOULD. OKAY, WHATEVER. JAKE'S ON HIS OWN. NOW FLY US THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!  
DAVE: will do  


DIRK: Wait, what the _fuck_ did I just miss??  



End file.
